Ms. Newbie No More!

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SOMEBODY

feels like this song speaks what’s inside my heart these days..

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Nightmare.

In an aisle full of flowers, I walk smiling towards the altar.
I don’t know why my heart feels heavy and tears started falling from my eyes.
I then see the man, but he seems to be different.
I know he is the right ONE, but why do I don’t feel any current.

I continued to walk through the old tiles and the pathway seems too narrow.
How I wish I could stumble, so in a second this be interrupted.
I looked back and there was nobody there.
It was a a blank page full of light.

The man was without a face.
In confusion, I searched my mind of who he is.
Confusion is eating my whole being.
don’t know if this has a meaning.

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Ayos na naman talaga sya.  Papauwiin na nga sya kinabukasan. Nagkekwentuhan pa kami kung kamusta na ang pakiramdam nya. Alas otso, bago ko sya kuhanan ng RBS, tinawag ako ng toilet bowl. Ihing ihi na ako. Umupo ako sa kubeta. Nagmuni muni at umihi ng pagkasarap sarap. Natapos din. Naalis na ang nagpapabagabag sa akin. Nag iba ang istasyon sa aking paglabas. Nakita ko ang Nars na  may dalang aparato. Tinutubuhan na ng duktor ang kanyang bibig. Nagulat ako sa lahat lahat. Umihi lang ako ng wala pang tatlong minuto.  Buong akala naming maayos na sya. Nag CPR ang staff ng singkwenta minuto. Wala pa ding ritmiko na dinidisplay ang aparato. Nakaka walong epinephrine na ang naibigay ko. Ngunit ni isang tibok e wala kaming narinig buhat sa pagod at sira nyang puso. At sa minutong iyon, nakita ng aking mata ang hinagpis at kasawian ng isang anak, ang mga luhang kusang pumapatak at ang nagluluksa n’yang puso.

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The boy who arranges slippers.

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In a chair next to the door of the chapel, there sit a child with a big smile, a boy who seems to talk with himself, has uneven pair of muddy slippers and who always sit there for hours.

The chapel in which he used to hang out was old, gothic in style, with stained glass windows, long chairs with special kneeling boards typical of those which you can see inside a church. An “ostya” is placed in front of the chapel and they call it “the blessed sacrament”.

Everyday people would come and go to this chapel. And everyday, the boy was there, either standing, sitting in his chair, or praying. He, was always there. Looking into him, I know there’s something different in him, not because he physically looks different. He really looks different from anybody else, from his manner of walking and the way he does things. I know he is special.

Later on, from my frequent visits to the place, I once asked him what’s his name. And he hardly uttered, Ja-an Po–oo-lll,. That day I learned that the boy’s name was John Paul.

I mentioned him to one of my classmates, and he told me that he’s used to seeing him in that chapel. He said that boy had been there since he( my classmate) was still a child. And he corrected me for assuming that He’s a little boy. He said that John Paul was maybe in his young to mid adulthood. He wasn’t a young child anymore.

Many times, I witnessed, how he was greatly loved by the regular folks who visits the chapel. They give him food, gifts, even money. All of these, he didn’t demand, he didn’t tell what he wants. Because unlike us, he finds it hard to talk. He has cerebral palsy. That’s why he has this odd way of walking,, even his face looks odd, his head always bent on the left side.

But unlike many, he had used all his capabilities to serve others and to serve the Lord. Everyday, he’s in the chapel, dusting the floor in his own special way, instructing visitors that shoes and slippers aren’t allowed inside, and arranging the people’s slippers. Though he can’t assist the elder ones in walking from the chapel towards the gate because like them, he too find difficulty in walking and maintaining balance, but he always walk beside them towards the gate. I always think about what he was thinking during those times. Is he thinking that because he cant help them, he might as well join them. At least this elderly lola’s would know that they have someone who’s beside them and who’s finding difficult in having balance and walking too, and if they fall, at least they are two and they’ll not be alone. In all of these, John Paul, doesn’t receive any compensation. He was not paid for doing these things. And he does this, everyday, almost everyday of his whole lifetime.

This is the story of a boy, who just simply dust the chapel”s floor and arrange visitor’s slippers. Through him, I am reminded, that whatever is given to a person by the Almighty God, he should maximize and use all of it to serve HIM.. John Paul cannot arrange the slippers and wipe the chapel’s floor as perfectly as any normal guy would do it, but it doesn’t matter cause he willingly did it everyday. Our willingness and availability is better than our mastery in doing something. We should use our talents and our precious TIME, all for His glory.

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Isang tula para sayo Baby Lita,,

Hanggang kailan mo ikukulong ang sarili mo sa de kahong mundo,,,

hanggang kailan ka iiwas,,

hannggang kailan mo kaya tumakas,

hanggang kailan mo kayang umiyak,,

hanggang kailan mo ipapawalang bahala ang lahat,

hanggang kailan mo iisiping bahala na bukas,,

hanggang kailan ka magtu tulug tulugan,,

hanggang kailan ka magbibingihan,,

hanggang kailan mo kakayanin ang buhay mong pariwara,,

dahil di mo matnggap kung alin ang sira,,

hanggang kailan ka magsisi sa mga bagay na tapos na,

hanggang kailan mo babalikan ang mga alaala,

hanggang kailan ka mabubuhay sa kahapon,

hanggang kailan mo kayang limutin ang ngayon,,

hanggang kailan mo kayang isabuhay ang catatonia,

hanggang kailan mo paniniwalaang buhay ka,,,

ngunit,,

buhay ka nga ba?

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Magmadali ka…

mabilis,,,

hinihingal ako,,, 

baka di na ako umabot,,

binilisan ko pa,,

habol…

di ko na kaya…

parang papel na nililipad ng bagyo,,

nauubos,,,

parang kahoy na tinutupok ng apoy,,

naabo,,..

parang tubig na nabubo,,,,

kay bilis,,,,

nagmamadali ang umaga,,,

naiinip ang gabi,,,

kaya’t umikot ng mabilis,, 

na mabilis,,, 

at lalong mabilis,,

tulad ng ipu-ipu”

dulot saki’y pagkahilo….

o mundo.,,

sandali ka munang huminto, upang makahinga ako.,

pagod na…

sa kakasunod at kakahabol sayo,,,

sana bukas,,,

maunahan kita.

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Gusto kong maging ikaw.

Minsan naiisip ko kung sana ipananganak ako sa ibang katawan na may ibang utak, ibang mga biyaya,kalakasan at kahinaan, gusto kong maging IKAW.

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Gusto kong makita ang mundo gamit ang mga mata mo, gusto kumanta sa pamamagitan ng iyong boses, gusto kong sumayaw gamit ang iyong paa’t katawan. Gusto kong gumawa ng mga bagay bagay gamit ang iyong mga kamay. Gusto kong makinig gamit ang iyong mga tainga. Gusto kong ngumiti upang makita ang kumikislap na ngipin na meron ka. Gusto kong tumawa hanngang sa hindi ko na kaya. Gusto kong magmahal ng lubos lubos. Gusto kong maging ikaw kung may pagkakataon. Ngunit paano yun, sa pagkakataon bang iyon ikaw ang aking magiging anak at ako ang iyong magiging ina?

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DREAMING,, zzzzzz,,

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I’m awaken by you kissing my cheeks, then you try to finger combed my messy hair. Then, I’ll be freaking out, checking the alarm clock on what time is it. I’ll be going downstairs cooking for breakfast for the kids. The kids that we both have wanted, loved and nourished. I’ll be cooking their favorite breakfast then go to their room, hugged and kissed each one of them and tell them that it’s time for breakfast so they can prepare early for school. Ill then go to our room and kissed you again,,, tell you that it’s time for breakfast. You’ll come out,greet everyone good morning and lead the morning prayer. After breakfast, each one of us have to prepare for work and school. You’ll fetch me from work, and we’ll chat on how we’ve been the whole day. And then you’ll help me prepare dinner,, the little kids would arrive, naughty, cute, energetic, lovely, amazing, wonderful. You’ll lead the evening prayer and well eat together. We’ll sleep and then our youngest would come to our room and ask us if she could sleep with us. We’ll finally pray for the blessings, fears, hopes that we both have, entrusting all to Him before we finally let our tired eyes to close and lay down our exhausted bodies. Sometime in a week, we’ll visit yours or my parents, share dinner with them or just hang out to catch up. You’ll accompany me to do the grocery on Saturdays and on Sundays we’ll all go together to church. You’ll be the one teaching the kids their assignment during weekday’s evening because you have more patience than me, sometimes i’m also there to help out. Together on weekends mornings, we’ll jog because it has always been your priority to be fit, so we can live longer as happily and healthy in the next years to come. We’ll celebrate each one of our anniversaries together with a date. Soon our kids will leave our home to build their own home and have their own kids too. We just cant control on how much they will grow, so that they’ be forever with us.In the golden age of our life, i see us, reminding each other of their medicines, giving a good massage on a tired back, and sharing milk/coffee in the morning, hold hands while sleeping. And we’ll be reminiscing all that we had been through, laugh at the memories, and smile for the wonderful things that GOD made to happen. Then I’ll look into your eyes, thinking how you’d been before, how you’ve become and how blessed I am to have you.

I could imagine for more and more. But love, all I can do now is imagine, while you’re there, and I’m here, I promise that I’ll always wait for the right chance which will allow us to be together. Please remember that I love you, no matter what we have gone and will be going through. Together in Christ, we’ll grow more in love each day, as we mature and we become one with Him….. Love all we have to do now is just wait, I am sure He have far better plans in store for us than this daydream.

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CHILDHOOD MEM’RIES

 

Araw araw ikaw ang nagtitira sa akin ng upuan. Sa loob ng jeep. Mga batang paslit pa tayo noon. Araw araw nyo akong ipinagtititira ng upuan dahil kung aabutin ng malas, kalong ang aking kahihinatnan. Mula sa pagkakakalong ay mapapunta sa pagkakaumpog umpog, dahilan sa mabatong kalsada na maalikabok kadalasan at maputik naman kung tag ulan. ALLEN. Pangalan ng nag iisang jeepney na bumyabyahe sa ating mga barangay. May  trayk na noon, pero mangilan ngilan lang. Di pa uso. Kaya namay walang pambili ang mga tao. Sa loob ng jeep, lahat magkakakilala, may panaka nakang napapasabit minsan o kaya namay mga bakasyunista. Mga tindera katulad nina aling Nena, aling Maring atbp. Maroon din namang batang estudyante katulad natin nina Juvilyn, Lennon at Kathleen, may mga dalagaang nnagkokolehiyo, high schoolers at iba pa. Si LOLO Pedring, ang pinakamabait na driver, pwedeng utangin ang pamasahe. Hindi kaskasero, palaging nakangiti, nagmamasid, hindi madaldal. Mahal sya ng lahat. Ni minsan sa araw araw na pgsakay ko sa jeep, hindi ko sya nakitang nagalit. Ang jeep ang mistulang ating unang opisina araw araw. Ang mga kasamang pasahero ang mga officemates. May tsismisan, kulitan, tuksuhan, tawanan at paminsan minsan mayroong iyakan, pikunan, asaran at tam puhan. Dahil dito, naaliw akong sumakay ng jeep, hindi dahil sa wala akong iba pang pagpipilian, kundi sa araw araw, ninanais ko nang maranasan ang kasiyayahn na nararamdaman ko sa pagsakay ng loob ng jeep.  Ngunit isang araw, hindi tayo sinundo ng Allen at ni Mamang Pedring, naglakad tayo pauwi. Kasama ang mga barkada nating pawa lamang ding mga paslit. Masaya maglakad. Kahit alam nating apat at kayo namay limang barangay ang bubunuing pagtiisang lakarin hanggang marating ang ating mga tahanan. Nagtatawanan, kwentuhan, masaya. Ngunit nang dumilim na, wala nang tawanan. Ang andun na lamang ay panaka nakang mga tanung kung kalian tayo makararating. Ikaw ang aming kuya. Ikaw ang lider. Ikaw ang lagging nagpapa alala na magmadali kami, dahil malayo pa ang ating lalakarin. Bago pa man tuluyang maglaho ang liwanag, nakakita tayo ng mga anghel sa likod ng mga ulap. NAsa kabila sila ng ulap ng alikabok sa dulo ng kalsadang ating tinatahak.  Sinundo tayo ng ating mga magulang. Noong unay nagalit pa sila kung bakit pa tayo naglakad samantalang pwede naman tayong maghintay. Mapanganib ang ating naging desisyon. Maari tayong mabundol ng mga sasakyan, makasalubong ng masamang tao o makuha ng aswang. Ang huli ay kung meron man. Mula noon,  hindi na tayo nagdesisyong maglakad pauwi, kahit wala man sumundo sa atin. Sa panahong maulan, nagsiksiksikan tayo sa maliit na pasilyo ng palengke upang di mabasa  at upang di na din lamigin. Pinahiram mo ako ng jacket, at lalo lamang akong napahanga sa iyo. Gaano kabuti ang iyong puso upang ipahiram mo ay iyong panlaban sa lamig pra lamang sa akin. Marahil ang mga ito’y di mo na matatandaan. Dahil isang araw, tuluyan nang tumigil sa pagbyahe ang allen. Malungkot na balita ang dumating sa atin nang umagang iyon. Wala na si Mamang Pedring. Ang tanging tao na nakkatiis sa  ating mga tawanan, kulitan, at pag iingay sa loob ng jeep. Ang taong halos araw araw ay kasama natin ng ilang taon. Nagkaron ng ka relyebo ang Allen sa pabyabyahe ng eskwela sa ating mga barangay. Ngunit ang ating munting barkada ay di na muling nabuo pa. Lumipat kayo ng tirahan. Lubos ko itong dinamdam nung mga unag araw na kayoy aking hinihintay. Naputol ang ating masasayang kwentuhan hagikhikan at kulitan. Lumipat na kayo pati ng eskwelahan. Hindi ko na halos kayo nakita. At mula ng araw na iyon, ang masasayang araw at unang karanasan ng paghanga ay naging isang mabuting ALAALA.

There’s something about childhood friends that you just can’t replace.

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Alcohol ingestion. Poison Control Hotline. Long Distance Call.,,,

Pitong buwan na pala akong nagtatrabaho bilang nurse kasama lahat lahat mula sa volunteership, hangang kuhanin nila akong staff. Ngayong umaga, unang beses kong masabihan na walang alam. Alcohol ingestion. Poison Control Hotline. Long Distance Call.,,,

Alcohol ingestion ang kaso ng isa kong pasyente. Bakit hindi alcohol intoxication?dahil ang ininom nya ay 70% alcohol. Obvious. A call for help. Depressed. May pinagdadaanan at ung ano pa man.

Dumating ang gastro nya, syempre tiningnan ang chart, kinausap ang pasyente, inexamine.

Pagkatapos umupo sa nurse station, walang anu ano, tinanung ako ng duktor? Mam alam mo ung poison control ng UP PGH?. “Anu po doc? sagot ko.. “Guidelines po ba yun ng poison control?”dagdag ko pa. “Hindi, ung hotline nila”, sagot nya. Agad kong tiningnan sa hospital directory ang hotline na kanyang sinasabi, ngunit sa kasamaang palad wala ito dun. Bago ko pa man sabihin ang napakagandang balita na”Doc wala po,”, nakita na pala n’ya. Mam ito o, sabay pakita sakin ng naresearch nya sa kanyang mamahaling mobile phone. “Mam pa’nu tayo makakatawag dito? “Hindi ko po alam doc kung pa’no ang outside the province call”, sagot ko sa makatotohanang tono, “pero itatanong ko po sa senior staffs”.

Nagsimula akong mag dial sa telepono ng marinig ko, ” ay ang nurse ko, wlang ka-alam alam”. BOOM! parang bombang sumabog sa pandinig ko ang sinabi nya. Nag init ang mukha ko sa pagkapahiya, at sa inis. Itinuloy ko ang pag dial ng wala sa sarili. Sumagot ang isang nurse sa linya ” Hello, hospital station 1 Good morning”, “Hello po Good morning, mam panu po tumawag sa manila gamit ang hospital’s telephone”?, tanung ko. “Ay, di pwede gamitin, sa cellphone nyo na lang tawagan. ” A, sige po, salamat”, sagot ko sabay baba ng telepono.

Pagkababa ng telepono, kausap na ng magaling na duktor, ang staff sa poison control. Hindi ko na rin sya inabala pa para sabihing hindi magagamit ang telepono para sa long distance calls. At dahil na din sa inis, hindi ko na s’ya pinansin pa. Natapos ang kanilang pag uusap, nag order and duktor at nagbiro biro pa, pero wala itong epek sa akin. Parang pabiro naman ang pagsasabi n’ya na wala akong alam. Wala sigurong nkakatawang biro, kung ang nauna, e nkakapag-painit ng mukha at tenga. Nag order ang duktor. Simple. Soft diet. Gaviscon tab 3x a day.

Ngayon, habang nagbubulay bulay ako sa mga pangyayari, pasalamat na di ako sa kanya.I have learned a few lessons that will surely not be directly taught in schools.

First,intentionally/ unintentionally, when you hurt people, it’s your conscience responsibility. It’s the feeling of hurt that you brought to someone you are accountable of. And whether you’re right or wrong in the situation, you have to say sorry for the way you made that person feel.

Second, nobody knows everything. I didn’t know the poison control hotline and how to make outside calls the same way that this doctor isn’t familiar with the management of alcohol ingestion. Would he care to know the hotline number and to call them, if he’s well familar so? And because of that, no one have the right to judge their fellow man about his knowledge.Everyone has his own fair share of “I know’s” and “I don’t know”. After all, it’s just God who knows everything.
Third, in every work setting, there are those people who don’t want to show their weaknesses, they just passed them on to their subordinates. Next time, I will not mind them. Not like how I reacted in this doctor’s silly joke.

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